Poop Ninjas and the Samurai of the Cute

Do you know why I like dogs more than cats? I have both. Dogs aren’t Poop Ninjas.

You heard me right. Poop Ninja.

My cat is a Poop Ninja.

You may be wondering what that means. Have a story. (WARNING: Story may not be 100% accurate.)

The other day I was laying on the couch playing my Pokémon game, my sister was on the computer doing what she does there, and my dad was sitting at his computer doing whatever work-y things he does. Dad was looking around, I guess, and he saw the wall. There was a little brown thing stuck to it.

“Um... is that poop?”

I looked at the wall, too, but, without looking, my sister said:

“No, that’s just Tessa’s ball toy.” The other other day she had seen it down the hall and thought it was a pile of poop. She had me come over to verify her fears, but she was wrong.

“No, Susannah, that’s not her ball,” I replied.

She turned around in her chair and looked at the wall.

It was poop.

And we, Susannah and I, cleaned up the wall poop. And so began the journeys of the legendary Jack, Poop Ninja. Well, maybe just famous. No? How about “well-known”? Mysterious, maybe? That sounds cool. Oh, wait... he’s a cat...

Anyway, later we found some more poop on the carpet behind the router, and we found even more over on the hardwood floor by the kitchen table. The theory is that when Jack, Legendary Poop Ninja, went to litter box he got some dung stuck to him, and later, when he decided to zip around the house at extremely high speeds like cats do, sort of flung the poopiken (play on “poop” and “shuriken”: get it?) around everywhere. Like Legendary Poop Ninjas do.

And so ends the journeys of the... legendary? well-known? mysterious? Jack, Poop Ninja. I feel like “Jack, Poop Ninja” needs to be the name of some really stupid YouTube kids movie parody or something. The kind of stupid that is so dumb that young boys find it hilarious.

While cats are Poop Ninjas, however, little cute adorable puppy-doggies are more like... maybe... Samurai of the Cute, and they are the best little things! They jump around and attack your face with kisses and prance through the grass and cuddle with you and play and chew on your fingers and they’re so cute! Nom nom nom! I could chew on Tessa’s little ears all day long!

Don’t let their adorable act fool you though. They are actually highly trained and specialized warriors, adept at sniffing out Poop Ninja spies and swiftly exterminating them. While they do sometimes break out in skirmishes among themselves, when they band together nothing can stop them.

Now I want to see a battle between the forces of the Poop Ninjas and the Samurai of the Cute. A huge, full-scale war zone battle. Army against army, Poop Ninjas using their speed and agility to trick the enemy and then strike from behind, Samurai of the Cute using swift attacks and swordplay intelligence to win the battle.

Wait, wait, wait. Dogs can use swords?

Yeah, totally. Why would I ever think otherwise? Puppies can do anything they want! (music note smiley face cuteness)

I really do like both animals, it’s just that I like dogs more. There is no cat that will ever come close to the greatness of a dog. They both have their pros and cons. Cats are freakin’ insane and will run around the house destroying everything in their path (and may possibly jump over you while you are peacefully sitting on the couch reading, which is the most terrifying thing ever), but when they do it’s just so funny! Watching them attacking their toys, rolling over and batting at them, and then jumping onto the underside of the arm of the couch... my gosh. Likewise, dogs will bark and sometimes poop in the house if you don’t take care of them, but they’ll also cuddle up on you and give you kisses, and they’re much happier to see you when you come home than a cat could ever be.

Also, all cats are working together to overthrow the human race and take the planet as their own. Of course, they won’t stop there.

Dogs, in general, are also about five billion times more obedient than cats. This, I believe, has primarily to do with intelligence; for example, many cats do not even know their own name. My cat doesn’t. He just knows to stop doing something when we start yelling.

I don’t think I have much else to say...